Host Raven Glover began by asking, “So once you told Lori, how did you guys go from your breakdown to actually wanting to help people, and who have you been helping and why?”
Jay answered: “The first 3 to 4 years of our healing were very difficult–not because of Lori, but because of my inability to relate well. And most of the important lessons weren’t discovered until the end of the process. Because this process can be long and painful we decided to start helping other people so they can heal more quickly.
“Our work is based on our own story and the interactions we’ve had with hundreds of couples who’ve been through the same issues.
“One big problem facing the couples we work with is this: The man thinks ‘When I quit my behavior (porn, gambling, drugs), she’ll automatically trust me again.’ The guy thinks quitting the behavior is enough for his betrayed spouse to trust him. But the spouse thinks, ‘OK, I get that he quit the behavior, but I still don’t trust him.’
“And that’s the real goal: How do we move from, ‘You’ve lied to me and I don’t trust you,’ to ‘I trust you enough to stay in this relationship’?”
Then host Raven Glover asked, “I know one of the things you’re big about is owning up to your part of the damage. Let’s talk about that.”
Jay answered: “One of the most challenging things facing the guy is owning all of this ugly behavior. I had to look in the mirror and realize there’s a part of me that’s kind of a monster. There’s a part of me that chose me over Lori, and I was ready to throw her under the bus to protect my own self-image.
“And until I owned that until I really sat in that every time she brought her pain to me, I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to say, ‘No, we’re not going to talk about this because of what it means about me.’
“For my clients, this is a huge leap for them. They really struggle with taking ownership of what they’ve done and staying there because it makes them feel like they’re the ‘bad guy’ in the relationship.
“Walking down this path is very challenging. They need somebody who’s been there. They need somebody who has seen their own monster in the mirror and can guide them through. A big part of why my story also resonates with the wives so well is because I’ve been there, and Lori has been there, and we’ve healed to a place where we’re doing much better than before.”
The couple started by helping people who have been through the pornography issue but soon discovered that they typically see anger issues on the part of the addict, as well as a breakdown in communication.
They have begun to branch out into helping couples through the development of online groups. Their goal is to have safe communities where people can give and receive support.
The interview concluded with Jay saying: “You didn’t get together just to pay bills and raise children. You got together to enjoy one another. We want to keep moving forward so we can help more couples have what we’ve found.”
To listen to the full interview on Amazing Women and Men Of Power – Raven International TV Network, click here or visit https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/raven-interviews-jay-pyatt-emotional-intelligence-healing/id1441172752?i=1000448044383.
To learn more about Jay and Lori Pyatt and download their free guides or explore their video series The Basics of Rebuilding Trust, please visit www.thecouplecure.com.
