I was able to make peace with my past. In the process, I became emotionally available for my own children, now adults. I wanted to understand their feelings. I wanted to comprehend what they went through as little children and teenagers being rushed back and forth between visitations. I wanted to feel what they felt and see their realities through their eyes. I wanted to ultimately understand what children of divorce experience and their need to share their hurts and heartaches along the way.
I began to see and feel how deeply my distorted versions of “not-so-very-happy” had hurt my children deeply, each in their own ways. I realized that at their present ages, now as “Adult Children of Divorce, that each one of them had their own stories to tell in order to make peace with me.
As our young children of divorce become adults, they may choose to reflect on the positive lessons they have learned from both of their parents, even while they are reflecting on the seeds of sadness that were planted in their hearts in their youth and childhood. They can face their demons too by doing some honest introspection and hopefully forgive as they better understand and get in touch with their own mix of feelings and emotions.
Questions to Ponder for Adult Children of Divorce:
1. What would you like to forgive your father for now and delete from your programming?
2. What would you like to forgive your mother for now and delete from your childhood programming?
3. Is there any unfinished business between you and one (or both) of your parents?
4. What do you wish your mother would have done differently after her divorce that would have made you feel safer, more secure and happier?
5. What do you wish your father would have done differently after his divorce from your mother that would have made you feel safer, more secure and happier?
6. What is the single most difficult thing for you to tell your mother?
7. What is the hardest thing for you to tell your father?
8. If you feel any feelings of sadness about your childhood, created by your parent’s relationship (or divorce) what would those feelings be about?
9. What losses do you feel you experienced in your childhood because your parent’s got divorced?
10. What patterns (of either parent) do you wish to delete in your own parenting styles?
11. Do you believe it is possible to rewrite a more joyful future by choosing now to live a life of happiness that is not based on any unhappiness you experienced as a child?
If my experiences have taught me one thing it is this. Your children do not know your heart unless you share it. You can teach your children that they can do their lives in a better way! They can learn wisdom from their own parent’s follies, faults and flaws! Their degree of happiness should not be based on the errors of their parents’ choices.
Teach your children that in order for them to reframe an even brighter future for themselves,
their spouse and their own children, forgiveness is the key.
Carol: so poignantly stated. I didn’t want to interrupt. This was truly inspiring and such thoughtful questions. I know many will benefit from them or be helped by them as they deal with the many aspects of divorce and shattered dreams in their own lives.
To reach Karyn:
Karyn@joycoachingamerica.com
http://www.joycoachingamerica.com
Be sure to check Karyn’s Podcasts and newly released book on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/Books-Karyn-Lynn-Grant/s?rh=n%3A283155%2Cp_27%3AKaryn+Lynn+Grant
