5. Neither one of my parents ever showed anger, bitterness or hostility towards the other after their divorce. They spoke with respect about the other if ever each other’s names came up in conversation.
6. They set respectful boundaries so that I understood that divorce may mean going your separate ways, but continuing to express gratitude, in hindsight, for all the wonderful things about your previous lives shared together.
7. While I grieved over the loss of my parents as a combined unit, having grown up with both of their strengths interweaving together into the fabric of my soul, I was able to accept their decision to divorce. Perhaps, it was because of the way they transitioned into two separate people with two separate lives, making separate choices, but still showing honor to one another during the aftermath of their break-up.
Carol: It seems your parents handled their divorce with grace and consideration for their children. The steps they took, from refraining from speaking ill of each other to attending family gatherings amicably, demonstrate a remarkable level of respect and maturity.
Your father’s remorse and regret shows a further commitment to maintaining a positive relationship with you and your siblings. I think it is important to also recognize their ability to set respectful boundaries and acknowledge the valuable aspects of their previous life together. All of this lends itself, it seems, to your ability to accept their decision and find peace amidst the changes. It speaks volumes about the way they navigated the aftermath of their break-up.
Looking back, can you tell us more about how you coped with the grief and adjusted to the new reality after your parents’ divorce?
Karyn: As I look back on that period of time, I do remember grieving deeply for the loss of my precious family unit as I had always known it, loved it, cherished it and expected it to remain to be forever and ever.
My belief as a child was that a “happy family” is built upon the love of two happy people that live together forever. This was my emotional foundation of security and the framework in my early childhood, of what “happily-ever-after” should look like, feel like, act like and behave like.
When that vision of my parents’ marriage dissolved right before my very eyes, I must honestly admit that I wondered how I could make it through my not-so-happy-marriage at that time. I literally felt my own backbone trembling to think that if my parents, whose marriage I believed was infallible, could come to an end, then perhaps I might not have the courage or the strength to keep enduring in my own set of circumstances.
Carol: I certainly hear and see how the dissolution of your parents’ marriage shook the foundation of your belief in a “happily-ever-after” and how it impacted your own perspective on your marriage. Could you describe how you navigated through those challenging emotions and found the strength to endure in your own circumstances?
Karyn: Perhaps, the most poignant realization that I had in my parent’s divorce, was that if you are truly, deeply, unhappy in a marriage, you have to ultimately make the best decision for yourself. I think that seeing my parents accept what was no longer working for them, brought me to that heart-breaking moment when I realized that my own unhappy marriage was not working for me either. Eventually, my own marriage came to an end too.
Carol: It’s evident that your parents’ graceful handling of their divorce had a profound impact on you. Their approach, including private counseling and not burdening their children with their own pain, allowed you to let go of the pain surrounding their decision. Can you share more about how their continued love and respect for each other, even after your father’s passing, has influenced your perspective on relationships and the enduring power of love?
Karyn: When my parent’s marriage came to an end, I was given some unspeakable permission to stop pretending that my own marriage was working for me. I believe that the reason I don’t feel the pain any longer surrounding my parent’s decision to divorce is because of the way they gracefully handled their divorce in my presence. They went through it privately, counseling with professionals and not laying the heavy burden of their broken hearts upon their own grieving children. They did their best to continue to show love to each one of their children, cultivating their own unique and individual relationships with each one of their children. Since then, my father has passed on. There are many times when a tear comes to my eyes and a lump to my throat to think of the way I know he still loves, respects and honors my mother. I know in my heart of hearts, that he truly deeply loves her still.
Carol: It’s remarkable how your parents’ approach to their divorce allowed you to find your own truth and stop pretending in your own marriage. Their actions and continued love for each other have clearly made a lasting impact on you. It’s also touching to hear about your father’s love, respect, and honor for your mother even after his passing.
