Carol: So incredibly true !
Carol: When we forgive repeated abuse, are we on any level condoning what the other person has done to us?
Karyn: I believe it is important that we stay connected to our Divine Source when we are faced with a dilemma pertaining to “Forgiveness.” I remember my mother, who is a Marriage Therapist saying to me during a critical time in one of my previous marriages, “Karyn, anger has its place in the process of becoming whole. Let your anger alert you that what you are experiencing is not right, fair or good. Let that anger help you to set stronger boundaries.”
Often times, we are too quick to condone the abuse of another against us, because “We love them,” giving them a one way ticket into our hearts to repeat the mis-behavior. That is called, “Enabling.” We must stop the patterns of abuse in our own lives by refusing to allow mis-behavior to dominate our relationship.
“I am not distant and angry but am the complete expression of love.” 1 John 4: 16
Carol: If each of us right now thought of someone who we truly feel we have been struggling to forgive, what or how would you direct us to begin the process of finally letting go of the betrayal, hurt, indiscretion … and forgive:
Karyn:
1: We need to get clear with the “Maker” and with our own hearts on how much “mis-behavior” we are willing to take because accepting wrongful treatment is in essence, very much “condoning” the mis-behavior.
2: We must be emotionally honest with ourselves and the other person. We must express to those who have wounded us that the demonstrated treatment is not okay with us, that we are not willing to experience it again (and again) and that we are willing to forgive them so that we can be freed from carrying any residue of bitterness or resentment in our own hearts towards them for their wrongful treatment of us.
3: We need to set firm boundaries as we are the stewards of our own hearts. After those boundaries are set, after we define what we are willing and unwilling to accept in the way of treatment to our hearts, then we can be honest and express our boundaries and the reasons for them to the wounding party. After doing this, it is a very merciful thing to do for ourselves and the wounding party to release the bitterness and choose to feel “better.” I do not believe in condoning wrongful, hurtful, abusive actions in any way, shape or form. But, I also believe that relationships can improve and get better when open, honest communication predominates.
Carol: Is apologizing easy for you?
Karyn: I want to laugh at this question only because I have wrestled with this one, particularly in my first marriage. I came from a family who believed in apologizing and making amends quickly. I was taught as a child that when someone asks you sincerely for an apology that you should quickly forgive. So, when I got married the first time, I thought my husband had been taught the same principles. Not so. Whenever I acknowledged a mistake I had made and asked him for forgiveness, his pat answer was, “You SHOULD be sorry! You WERE wrong!” Then he would rehearse all the reasons I was wrong. This could go on for hours.
Quite frankly it took all the joy out of repenting! The ironic thing is, he rarely admitted his wrongs to me. He was quite “oblivious” most of the time as to how his insensitivity affected me. Our divorce was inevitable after thirteen years of being blamed and shamed relentlessly. Still, I found it a joy to completely forgive him and to move forward with my own life, vowing to myself I would “Get Better and Not Bitter!” I only mention this, not because it still hurts, but because it is an example of how forgiveness should be a priority, a reciprocal agreement in any relationship because….no one is perfect and we all need to forgive quickly so that the relationship can continue to flourish. If we do not “Cherish” those who are nearest and dearest to us, eventually those relationships will perish.
Carol: On that note: When working on a mutual relationship, where both parties want to continue forward, what would be the tips for requesting forgiveness and making amends?
Karyn:
First, we must realize that we have hurt someone and that is affecting their happiness.
Second, we must be willing to have open, honest communication about our own accountability for our part in the misunderstanding.
Third, remember, humility works wonders! Pride kills the moment! Be soft and gentle with the person you have wounded. “A soft answer turneth away wrath.” – Proverbs
Fourth: Express that you realize now you could have done things differently and that you are willing to do better now and moving forward.
Fifth: Explain that you are willing to give the person you have wounded time to think about your apology and that it is not necessary for them to respond immediately. Convey your love and concern for that person with a tender heart.
Sixth: Assure that individual that they are an important part of your life and that you would like to continue to have a new and improved relationship with them.
