3: We need to set firm boundaries as we are the stewards of our own hearts. After those boundaries are set, after we define what we are willing and unwilling to accept in the way of treatment to our hearts, then we can be honest and express our boundaries and the reasons for them to the wounding party. After doing this, it is a very merciful thing to do for ourselves and the wounding party to release the bitterness and choose to feel “better.” I do not believe in condoning wrongful, hurtful, abusive actions in any way, shape or form. But, I also believe that relationships can improve and get better when open, honest communication predominates.
Carol: Is apologizing easy for you?
Karyn: I want to laugh at this question only because I have wrestled with this one, particularly in my first marriage. I came from a family who believed in apologizing and making amends quickly. I was taught as a child that when someone asks you sincerely for an apology that you should quickly forgive. So, when I got married the first time, I thought my husband had been taught the same principles. Not so. Whenever I acknowledged a mistake I had made and asked him for forgiveness, his pat answer was, “You SHOULD be sorry! You WERE wrong!” Then he would rehearse all the reasons I was wrong. This could go on for hours.
Quite frankly it took all the joy out of repenting! The ironic thing is, he rarely admitted his wrongs to me. He was quite “oblivious” most of the time as to how his insensitivity affected me. Our divorce was inevitable after thirteen years of being blamed and shamed relentlessly. Still, I found it a joy to completely forgive him and to move forward with my own life, vowing to myself I would “Get Better and Not Bitter!” I only mention this, not because it still hurts, but because it is an example of how forgiveness should be a priority, a reciprocal agreement in any relationship because….no one is perfect and we all need to forgive quickly so that the relationship can continue to flourish. If we do not “Cherish” those who are nearest and dearest to us, eventually those relationships will perish.
Carol: On that note: When working on a mutual relationship, where both parties want to continue forward, what would be the tips for requesting forgiveness and making amends?
First, we must realize that we have hurt someone and that is affecting their happiness.
Second, we must be willing to have open, honest communication about our own accountability for our part in the misunderstanding.
Third, remember, humility works wonders! Pride kills the moment! Be soft and gentle with the person you have wounded. “A soft answer turneth away wrath.” – Proverbs
Fourth: Express that you realize now you could have done things differently and that you are willing to do better now and moving forward.
Fifth: Explain that you are willing to give the person you have wounded time to think about your apology and that it is not necessary for them to respond immediately. Convey your love and concern for that person with a tender heart.
Sixth: Assure that individual that they are an important part of your life and that you would like to continue to have a new and improved relationship with them.
Seventh: Wait patiently for their response. Some people, like apologies, so take more time to move through the process.
Eighth: After agreeing to forgive do not rehearse past mis-behaviors. Let bygones be bygones. Try not to rehash old hurts or reopen old wounds. Moving forward with a clean slate may be easier said than done. Resist the temptation to say, “I told you so!” or “Remember when you did such and such?” Allow people a chance to turn over a new leaf!
Ninth: There is joy in feeling forgiven! There is therefore an equal portion of joy in truly forgiving someone who is aching to be forgiven.
Carol: I so agree!
Carol: Karyn, we have covered so much and your tips and steps and examples have been priceless. I can think of so much more we could cover, discuss and ask, however, for now:
Is there anything you’d like to say in conclusion?
Karyn: In summary, to forgive is definitely a choice. But, sometimes the deep feelings of sorrow, remorse and regret are anchored in by the belief that we cannot change our minds about the way we perceive our past or present or how it will affect our future. I believe that if someone truly wants to experience “a mighty change of heart” they truly can. The first step is to choose onto the path of forgiveness. The second step is to drop the heavy burdens of any unexpressed, hidden and lingering emotion to your Divine Source and let those hidden wounds be cleansed and made whole, once and for all through His matchless love. No one wants to live painfully-ever-after.
Carol: I’m certain we all agree to that!
Carol: At this time, I’d like to add in a sound clip of your song: “Forgiving Heart.”
https://www.joycoachingamerica.com/healers-touch-vocal-cd-clips #7 Forgiving Heart Song
Carol: Beautiful! How can people get involved with your Forgiveness work and hear or purchase your beautiful music?
Karyn: I would suggest getting sessions with a Certified Joy Coach and then consider becoming a Certified Joy Coach. Sometimes we just need to give and experience more love in our lives to drown out the sound of past sorrows. Forgiving and Forgetting the past hurts we have all experienced in our own personal journeys comes with “Forgiveness in the Mourning.”
To reach Karyn or find out more about “Forgiveness in the Mourning;” Karyn’s beautiful healing music and her work with Joy Coaching America-Worldwide and Joy Coaching Academy, contact Karyn via: